Questions to Ask Aging Parents: A Planning Checklist

You probably know your parents better than almost anyone. Even so, you might not know where they keep their insurance cards, who all their doctors are, or what they’d want if living alone stopped working. Most adult children don’t, until the day they need that information in a hurry, usually in a hospital hallway.

This checklist gives you the questions to ask, grouped by topic, plus a section on your parents’ life story, because these conversations aren’t only about paperwork. Use it over several visits, in whatever order feels natural. Nobody should get all of these questions in one afternoon.

The short version: the most important questions to ask aging parents cover who should speak for them, where their papers are, what care they’d want and how their bills get paid. Ask a few at a time, explain why you’re asking, and write the answers down.

• Who would you want making health decisions for you if you couldn’t?
• Where do you keep your important papers?
• If you needed help at home, what would you want that to look like?
• How do your bills get paid, and who should we call if something goes wrong?
• What matters most to you about how you live from here on?

How to use this checklist without it feeling like an interrogation

Read sixty questions aloud across the kitchen table and it will feel like a deposition. A few ways to keep it human:

• Spread it out. Take one section per visit or phone call. A month of short conversations beats one exhausting afternoon.
• Start with the easy ones. Doctors and daily routines are low-stakes. Money and end-of-life wishes can wait until you’ve built some momentum.
• Say why you’re asking. “If you ever ended up in the hospital, I’d want to be able to tell them your medications without guessing.”
• Trade answers. Telling your parent where your own will is, or who your health care agent is, turns it into an exchange instead of a quiz.
• Let them pass. “We can come back to that one” is a perfectly good answer.

If you’re not sure how to raise the subject in the first place, start with our guide on how to talk to aging parents about their future. If you’re wondering whether it’s too soon to ask any of this, read about the 40/70 rule.

Questions about health and doctors

• Who are your doctors, and what does each one treat?
• What medications, vitamins and supplements do you take, and who prescribed them?
• Are you allergic to any medications?
• Which pharmacy do you use?
• What health conditions are you managing right now? Is anything getting harder?
• Have you had any falls, dizzy spells or close calls lately?
• Any trouble hearing, seeing, sleeping or remembering things?
• If you had a choice, which hospital would you want to go to?
• Would you be comfortable with me coming to an appointment now and then, or speaking with your doctor?
• Where are your insurance cards: Medicare, Medicaid, and any supplemental or Medicare Advantage plan?

Keeping these answers in one place makes appointments and emergencies much easier. Our roundup of apps for organizing an elderly parent’s medical information lists a few good options.

Questions about daily life and getting help

• What does a normal day look like for you?
• Which chores are getting harder: cleaning, laundry, shopping, cooking, the stairs?
• Is bathing or getting dressed ever tiring or tricky?
• How are you getting to appointments and errands? Are you still comfortable driving?
• Who do you see or talk with during a typical week?
• Do you ever feel lonely, or just bored?
• If you needed help at home, would you rather it came from family, from a home care aide, or a mix of both?
• How would you feel about someone coming in a few hours a day to handle the harder tasks?
• What would make you feel safer at home?

Questions about home and where they want to live

• Do you want to stay in this home as long as you can?
• What would make it hard to stay: the stairs, the bathroom, the neighborhood, being far from family?
• Have you thought about small changes, like grab bars, better lighting or a bedroom on the first floor?
• If staying here stopped working, what would you want to try next: more help at home, moving closer to family, moving in with one of us, or a place like assisted living?
• Is there anywhere you would never want to live?
• Do you own or rent? Where are the deed, lease or mortgage papers?

If the answers point toward a move, our posts on talking with parents about assisted living (and staying home) and what to discuss before an elderly parent moves in with you can help you take the next step.

Questions about money and insurance

• Where does your monthly income come from?
• Which banks or investment companies hold your accounts?
• Which bills come out automatically, and which do you pay yourself?
• Do you owe money on anything: a mortgage, a car, credit cards, a loan from someone in the family?
• What insurance do you carry: health, life, homeowners or renters, long-term care?
• If you have a long-term care policy, where is it, and do you know what it pays for?
• Do you have an accountant, financial advisor or lawyer? How do we reach them?
• Have you named a trusted contact person on your investment accounts?
• Have you ever gotten a call, email or letter that felt like a scam?
• If you needed care at home someday, how would you want to pay for it?

Money is the topic families tiptoe around most. Our guide on how to talk to aging parents about money and paying for care has openers that keep it from sounding like you’re after an inheritance.

Questions about legal documents and medical wishes

• Do you have a health care proxy? Who is your agent, and did you name an alternate?
• Does your agent know what you’d want, including about feeding tubes and IV fluids?
• Do you have a power of attorney for your finances? Who did you name?
• Do you have a will? Who is the executor, and where is the original?
• Have you written down the treatments you would or wouldn’t want, in a living will or anywhere else?
• Have you and your doctor talked about a MOLST form or a do-not-resuscitate order? Would you want one?
• Where are these documents, and who has copies?

In New York, a Health Care Proxy needs two adult witnesses (the person named as agent can’t be one of them), and no lawyer or notary is required. The state’s official Health Care Proxy form is free to download and comes in many languages. A financial power of attorney is a separate document with stricter signing rules. Our post on health care proxy vs. power of attorney in New York explains both, and our guide to creating an advance care plan covers the rest of the paperwork.

Questions about the end of life

• If you were very sick, what would matter most: being comfortable, being at home, living as long as possible, having family nearby?
• Are there treatments you already know you wouldn’t want?
• If you could choose, where would you want to be at the end of your life?
• Are there religious or cultural traditions you want honored?
• Have you thought about funeral or burial wishes? Is anything prepaid or written down?
• Is there anything you want to say to someone, or do, while you can?

These are the hardest questions on the list, and they deserve a slower, gentler conversation. Our post on handling end-of-life conversations with grace can help, and The Conversation Project offers free guides for starting this exact talk.

Practical details to write down

These aren’t really conversation questions. They’re the facts you’d scramble to find in an emergency. Fill them in together, a few at a time:

• Full legal name, date of birth, and Social Security and Medicare numbers (keep these somewhere secure)
• Phone numbers for doctors, the pharmacy, close friends, clergy and the neighbor who has a spare key
• Where the spare keys are kept, and any alarm codes
• How to get into their phone, email and important online accounts, or at least where that information is kept
• Where the checkbook, recent bank statements and tax returns are
• Pets, and who would look after them
• Utility companies, and who they call for home repairs
• Any safe deposit box, and where its key is

The National Institute on Aging’s Getting Your Affairs in Order checklist is a good companion to this section.

Questions to ask elderly parents about their life

Not every question has to be about planning. Some of the most valuable conversations are about who your parents are. These questions are worth asking for their own sake, and they often make the harder talks easier, because they remind everyone what all the planning is protecting.

• Where did you grow up, and what was the neighborhood like?
• What was your first job? What was the best job you ever had?
• How did you and Mom (or Dad) meet?
• What were you most proud of when you were my age?
• What was the hardest thing you ever got through, and how did you do it?
• Which family recipes, traditions or stories do you want us to keep going?
• What do you wish you had known at 30?
• Is there anything about our family history you’ve never told us?
• What makes a good day for you now?
• What do you hope people remember about you?

If your parent is comfortable with it, record some of these conversations on your phone. Years from now, you’ll be glad to have their voice telling their own stories.

Where to keep the answers (and when to update them)

• Use one record. Keep a single notebook or shared document instead of notes scattered across texts, emails and envelopes.
• Protect the sensitive parts. Account numbers and passwords belong in a secure place, such as a locked file or a password manager, never in a group chat.
• Make sure the right people can find it. The instructions on New York’s proxy form say to give copies to the agent and doctors and to avoid keeping the only copy somewhere no one can reach, like a safe deposit box.
• Update it. Go back over the answers once a year and after any big change, like a hospital stay, a new diagnosis or a move.

Frequently Asked Questions

What questions should I ask my aging parents first?

Start with who they’d want making health decisions if they couldn’t, where their important papers are, and what kind of help they’d want at home. Those answers protect their choices and are the ones you’d need most in an emergency.

How do I ask my parents about their finances without seeming nosy?

Explain that you’re asking so you can protect them and follow their wishes, not to find out what you’ll inherit. Begin with practical questions, like which bills are on autopay, before you get into accounts and amounts.

Is there a printable checklist of questions to ask aging parents?

You can print this page and use it as a worksheet, or copy the sections you need into a notebook. The National Institute on Aging also publishes a free checklist of documents to gather.

What if my parent won’t answer some of the questions?

That’s okay. Skip it and come back another time, or ask someone they trust, like a sibling, their doctor or a close friend, to raise it. Keep the focus on what they want rather than on what you need to know.

What questions should I ask elderly parents about their life?

Ask where they grew up, how they met their partner, what work they loved, the hardest times they got through and the traditions they want kept. These conversations matter on their own, and they often make planning talks feel less clinical.

How often should we update the answers?

Review them at least once a year and after any big change, such as a new diagnosis, a hospital stay, a move or the death of a spouse.

Working through these questions together is one of the kindest things you can do for your parents, and for yourself. If the answers point toward needing help at home, Rockaway Home Care can explain the options, from a few hours a day to around-the-clock care, and help your family sort out Medicaid home care for free.

This checklist is general information, not medical or legal advice. For questions about legal documents or finances, talk with a qualified attorney or financial professional.

More on talking with aging parents

• How to Talk to Aging Parents About Their Future
• The 40/70 Rule: When to Start Talking With Aging Parents
• How to Talk to Aging Parents About Money and Paying for Care
• How to Talk to a Parent About Memory Loss (and Getting Checked)
• Health Care Proxy vs. Power of Attorney in New York
• Elderly Parent Refuses to Go to the Doctor? What to Say and Do
• How to Talk to Parents About Assisted Living (and Staying Home)
• Elderly Parent Moving In With You? What to Discuss First
• How to Talk to an Elderly Parent About Incontinence

Helpful resources

• National Institute on Aging: Getting Your Affairs in Order checklist
• New York State Health Care Proxy form and instructions (PDF)
• The Conversation Project: free conversation starter guides
• AARP Prepare to Care planning guide
• NY Connects: free information on long-term services in New York